|
User Profile Friends Calendar |
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
 |
 |
||
|
2009.07.07 21.14 |
|||
 |
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2009.04.24 15.13 Today we bid the Black Death farewell. He called two weeks ago Wednesday. We don't talk a lot, although I feel that we are close... We are brothers after all. "Please call me back tonight," he said. Surely there must be news. And news there was! His wife is once again with child; another little one to join my nephew. I am joyous for them and their growing family. But that's not all the news there was. In a routine procedure, they found something that wasn't supposed to be there. He doesn't fit the risk profile... he's young, active, and pure with his body. But it was there anyway. A malignant tumor. They think they caught it early enough... Today he went under the knife. They thought they could just remove part of the kidney, but nature in her cruel, indiscriminate way would not make it so easy. So out came a whole organ. You'd think it were necessary... god gave it you for a reason, didn't he? I guess that's why he gave you a spare... he knew you'd need another one of those. They say he should live on and all should be well. So today, Black Death, I bid you farewell. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2008.06.17 21.27 Hey Jane! Get me off this crazy thing... called... love? Why is it that every female I've ever loved has taken me on an emotional roller coaster ride? |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2006.11.14 23.04 UNebriation Inevitably it seems that on occasion, the libations flow a little too freely and the borders of sobriety recede into the ever distant past. It is in this place that one is often accused of acting against their own character. Words are uttered, actions are performed; things are done that while perhaps not easily forgotten, are simply written off to the influence of inebriation. But is it in this place that we are least like ourselves, or is it indeed the place where we are MOST like ourselves? The walls of inhibition topple to the ground with a mighty rumble, and the flood of the imprisoned escapes. Are the utterances of the inebriated not thoughts that have fluttered about like moths in search of a porch light for an entire summer? Are not the actions of the intoxicated the human will breaking through the carefully constructed mask of social engagement like an unsteady hand placing the final touches on a house of cards? Are we our delicately crafted façade, the shiny storefront to the shady bar? Or are we the skeletons in the closet, the carefully concealed Wizard of Oz? Music: Carnivale |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2006.10.06 10.51 The Hood I stood in the yard this morning and looked out at The Hood. 
|
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2006.04.15 21.51 Without a cause  I used to be such a rebel. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.09.29 23.08 You couldn't wipe this shit-eatin grin off my face with a Brillo® Pad. Who needs sleep anyway? Mood:  happy
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.08.21 15.50 How and why? It seems that there never really was a question of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I find myself quite lucky in that respect, although not to say that it didn't change over the years... As a child, I wanted to follow in my father's footsteps through law enforcement. There were more than a few times when I swore I'd give it all up in college and follow my mother's footsteps in music. No doubt it would have been equally as difficult, but I still have a burning desire to become a musician. I can imagine that there were numerous other futures that I envisioned myself having as well. But behind it all, there was always the need to understand. How does that work? Why does that do that? And what can be done to improve it? It rarely happens that I can have something function not to my expectations and just let it go. I must understand how it functions and where it falls short. Then if it's within my ability to improve it, I will. It is the engineer gene. Like many who are born to be artists, musicians, (or wild), I was born to be an engineer. From a very young age I was fascinated with electronics and gadgetry. Continually taking them apart in an effort to understand the inner workings, and occasionally even getting them back together with only a few "extra" parts. The world operates on logic and rules. Every task is achievable, every obstacle can be overcome. There is no problem that cannot be solved through the application of a simple process. How does it work? Why does it do that? What can be done to improve it? Little by little, step by step, we continually improve upon our last achievement. Day in and day out I participate in my daily activities... Meanwhile my mind cranks through the possibilities. What if I do this? Maybe I can do that? How would it work if I applied these? It's not something I can turn off... I can't pretend that I unable to make a difference. We are the worker bees of technology. This is my obligation, this is my gratification. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.06.26 22.41 It's a matter of self preservation, you see? At what point do you decide that enough is enough? There are two particularly precarious points in relationships... in an unequal beginning and an unequal end. Although they are not exclusive to romantic relationships, they are certainly escalated in such. When you are first getting to know someone, and exploring the pursuit of further endeavors, there is the possibility that the interest is not shared. Something about you was intriguing enough to draw some attention, but at some point things went awry. Perhaps expectations were not met, or perhaps you see that you two are clearly headed in different directions. Sometimes the intellectual and physical attraction do not always match up, which in itself creates a conflict not conducive to interpersonal relations. In the twilight of a long and close relationship, the decay of interest is not always equal. At some point, there is nothing left to the relationship that once made it thrive. Sometimes like interests fade, or situations change. One person no longer puts in the effort that the other expects. Perhaps it's due to distractions... they simply didn't notice that the relationship isn't what it once was. Other times it's because they think that perhaps the relationship has run its course. In both of these situations, however, you will find that you are faced with a choice. And at what risk is that choice made? You must decide if the relationship is still worth the effort or if you should cut your losses. If you decide this in the beginning of a relationship, while not giving up much in the way of emotional investment, you do however forfeit all rights to hope of something special. The bright promise that was ever present on the horizon is gone. If you decide this at the end of a relationship, you forfeit potentially years worth of emotional investment. Someone that you knew better than your own face in the mirror will become nothing but a distant memory. Someone you could have called at any time, from any place, and had an instant connection with is now absent. What is gained from making such a decision? Self preservation. The time and effort to invest in something more promising. The self-worth of an equal situation. But once this decision is made, there is little that can be done to recall it. One must be very careful that everything is not thrown away for naught. A fool and his money are soon parted... help me to make a wise investment. Mood: angsty Music: Dave Brubeck |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2005.05.02 22.32 The more I give to you, the more I die At what point do you hold something back for yourself? It seems that I've spent my entire life doling out advice for them to keep something for themselves. The shoulder to cry on, the ear to bend, but ever the harbinger of hurt. Probably because I didn't think they were worth it. Because I thought that they'd end up hurting them like all of the rest did. Perhaps it was just my own selfish motives. But at what point do you decide that you have to keep something for yourself? Maybe you keep a good portion reserved, loving at a distance. Maybe you love with every part of your heart and soul, but that small piece buried deep down inside. If everything else is destroyed, there's always that seed in reserve. You can always start anew with that seed, you tell yourself. In the mean time, the love that you are meant to be tending begins to wither and wilt. You miss the highest highs, the sweetest sweets. You hold onto your reserve and grip the fear. What is there to lose? What do you gain? If you surrender yourself completely, and that love is betrayed or lost... What are you left with? The complete inability to love anymore? A total inability to feel anything at all? Just a diminished ability to love? Or are they all just myths? Tales told by the timid to escape the wild apprehension of the unknown. I always loved with something held back. Now I love with everything held back. I want to love with nothing held back. Mood: molting Music: Beck - Missing |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2005.03.28 00.07 Time is my worst enemy. There is never enough time. Never enough time to be who I want to be. Never enough time to do what I want to do. I've whittled away the time I spend sleeping to roughly 6 hours a night. That leaves the 18 remaining hours of the day to accomplish my goals. It seems as if each day slips by without gaining any ground. I know it's just a phase... 12-14 hours of the day are spent working, the other 4-6 on domestic tasks. It won't last. It can't. But I can't help the feeling that the sands of time are slipping through my fingers. ( My list is long and always growing: ) |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2005.02.26 14.16 It's always darkest, just before it goes pitch black.  What is my fascination with the sunset? It's the natural beauty that is visible even in the depths of the inner city. The pure unadulterated expanse that exists in the wasteland of progression. The precursor to a long, long night. The conclusion of a long, long day. The in-between time when all is not what it appears.     Image thumbnails linked to full size photos ©2005 Mood: vitiable Music: Alpha - Slim |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.02.09 22.34 Primary Colors There are far worse things  than being blue. Mood: recondite Music: Boards of Canada - Iced Cooly |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.02.08 23.24 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I can read you like a book. Sometimes you pretend I can't. Perhaps you think I'm not reading the right book. Maybe you think I misunderstand the words. There aren't any words when you're reading between the lines. I can't read myself so well. I keep losing my page, and the words blur. Maybe I just don't grasp the concepts, rereading each paragraph until I feel it's safe to move onto the next. Perhaps that's why I enjoy your book so much. It's riveting, compelling. The highest highs, the lowest lows. It's so engaging, I often feel as if I am one of the characters. This chapter is not as good as the last though. It lacks depth and feeling. There are giant gaps in the storyline. The characters befall tragedy. Perhaps now I understand. Perhaps now I can see the words. Perhaps now it's time to turn the page. This book is writing me out of the story. Mood: erudite Music: Danny Elfman - Edward Scissorhands OST |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.01.26 23.06 Dress me Old friendships like an old sweatshirt or an old pair of shoes. Discarded for so long.. not because they weren't loved... simply because they were forgotten in the mix. One day they weren't the right match and they were tossed aside, to be forgotten in a pile of other responsibilities. Some things always fit. With minimal coaxing, they slip right on like you'd worn them yesterday. Broken in and comfortable, you can remember wearing them during significant points in your life. Warmth and security they provide you, and you feel your best when they are with you. Some of them, however, just don't fit the same after all that time. Perhaps they cramp your style. Perhaps they just aren't your style at all anymore. And sometimes they just hurt. How do you know which ones to keep? Sure you can put them in your closet and store them forever, but with the acquisition of new friends, space gets tight. Every shopping trip adds something to the repertoire. Some of them are worn only once, others become your new favorite in a day. There are the ones that you've put so much love and time into. Patching the holes, cleaning the dirt, ironing the wrinkles. You always hope that you don't stain them with a harsh word or a foolish action. But then there are those that just never worked in the first place. They are the hammer pants or spandex. For a short while, they were all the rage, you were in separable. But you knew it couldn't last. It wasn't a long term thing. And with the change of decades they became a thing of the past. Smilingly joked about, but never seriously considered again. And then there are those, that no matter how hard you tried, they just couldn't be saved. The hole was too big, the stain too dark. You kept trying to wear it, but every time you did, something else happened. So what are you and what am I? Am I still in style? Are you still crisp and clean? I'm in your closet, and you're in mine. Shall we wear each other tomorrow? Mood: undressed Music: Helios - Velius |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.12.22 00.06 Winter SOLEstice This is my winter SOULstice. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.12.15 22.48 Clearly defined lines Clearly defined lines drawn in the sand. As the tides of emotion rise an fall, they fade and blur. The lines remain clear for a moment at best. Distant like the sun across the vast openness of the ocean. Near like the waves lapping about my feet. It's important to have clearly defined lines. I need to be careful where I stand. It's important to have expectations. Don't get caught too far out when the tide begins to rise. And never turn you back on the ocean. Music: Coil - Who'll Fall? |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.11.22 23.12 Thoughts from 9/12/2004 With dramatic flair, Summer has said goodbye. A gleeful smile on it's face as Autumn elbows it aside. Blustering winds blow up the gorge, leaves and debris as indistinguishable to it as raindrops. No more lazy days in the sun, feeling its warmth upon your cheek as you read in the park. Spring cleaning done late. It is the season of guests, of gathering. A clean house filled with the smells of apple cider. With cleanliness comes order. The desire to interact is strong. To exchange meaningful discourse in a comfortable atmosphere. To reinforce the bonds with family and friends that make us strong. To bring the cocoon walls back in close. Curled up in a blanket, the rain spatters across the windows. Its constant pitter-patter, white noise, shielded by our structures. Inside I am safe. Mood: introspective Music: Coil - Batwings (A Limnal Hymn) |
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
2004.11.07 14.19 We're all going to burn. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.11.06 21.00 Fortunate: If you continually give you will continually have. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.10.20 00.04 Another life At last, vacation. And for no trifle cause either... my brother is now a married man! So much to reflect on over the past week and a half: My time spent here on the farm in Connecticut, my travels around New England, my night in Boston, my day in Northampton, and my trip to my brother's new hometown. ( Bear with me as I take a journey through my experiences. ) |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2004.09.21 22.34 The value of money. I stood on the corner of 6th and Couch with a rather blank look on my face. The bar I had expected to meet a coworker at was not open, much to my chagrin. I stood there wondering where he was and more importantly, where we were going to go next. I admit, it must have been a rather dumb look, me in my dress clothes staring around blankly. But as I stood there, a black gentleman walking up the street towards me asked me if I was OK. "What's that?" I said. "Are you OK?" he repeated. "You look like you're looking for something." "Oh, I'm fine," I said, embarrassed. He asked if I was looking for something or just waiting for someone. I told him that I was waiting to meet someone and he smiled knowingly. He commented that I had just looked a bit lost, no doubt I had, and that perhaps I needed some help. He then started to walk away, and I could see him thinking. Rather sheepishly he asked if I could spare some change. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a couple of $1 bills. "Here's a couple bucks man, I hope it helps you out." "Really?!" he asked. I assured him yes, really, and that I hoped it helped him. Two dollars, in the big picture, is of little consequence to my budget. I think it is of little consequence to most everyone I know. "God bless," he said in a meaningful way. "God bless." He shook my hand big smile on his face. He introduced himself, Leonard, I believe it was. I feel rather embarrassed now that I don't remember it with certainty. He commented on the unusualness of my name, but that he liked it nonetheless. A few moments later my coworker came strolling up, and we proceeded to check out another bar nearby. We followed that with a show at the comedy club, and a few more drinks. On my way back out of the club to my car, I ran into the same gentleman on the street. He instantly recognized me and asked how I was doing. He shook my hand again, and could say nothing but "God bless" to me. And I thought to myself, He already has. Those may have been the most valuable two dollars I have ever spent. With them I experienced genuine gratitude and appreciation, something my more privileged friends seem to be lacking. I don't think I could even buy it from them with a whole paycheck. I hope that god blesses you too, Leonard, and brings you as much joy as you have just brought me. Mood: appreciative |
|||
|
|
||